Leftovers From Sunday

Leftovers From Sunday

I mentioned during the message in both services yesterday that I would attempt to answer your questions and share in writing some of the material I used yesterday that was not included in your notes. This is that attempt plus a few additional thoughts of mine.

Additional Thoughts

-I would encourage you to listen to the messages from Ephesians on thetruelifechurch.com if you missed any or all of them. They seem to have been helpful to people.

-I think yesterday’s message was challenging for both men and women. My job as a preacher of God’s Word is to make His truth clear and call us to trust Jesus to enable us to live it out. I think I should be real and say that I have been convicted in preparing the messages and expressed sorrow to Robin for the many times over the years that I have failed to lead and love her like I should. It is important that we not try to lower God’s standards but that we repent of our sinful shortcomings and seek Jesus for the grace to become more of who He is calling us to be.

-I wanted to clarify one statement just to make sure there was no confusion. When I was talking about women being confusing to men near the end of the message, I did not mean that in any negative way toward women but was referring to the fact that men have trouble understanding women (like women have trouble understanding men) just because we are so different, which is why John Gray made a boatload of money off of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”

Materials For Men

As we looked at Ephesians 5:22-33, we spelled out the husband’s role as leading like Jesus through loving His wife like Jesus. Here are the nine statements I made to amplify his leadership role and quotes from Bryan Chappell and James Dobson about it.

Most of these statements are adapted from a chapter by John Piper in the book, “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.” Godly, loving leadership by a husband:

1. Answers God’s call to provide for, protect (physically, spiritually, and emotionally), and be a priest to his family.

2. Serves instead of demanding to be served.

3. Points to Jesus instead of himself.

4. Leads a team instead of acting as the superior.

5. Does not initiate every action but provides a pattern and develops a culture.

6. Accepts the burden of the final say in disagreements.

7. Pursues his wife romantically and sexually.

8. Leads in disciplining the children when both are present.

9. Recognizes leadership as a call to humility and repentance.

Bryan Chappell-“The example the husband sets has eternal consequences. This means headship is more about controlling one’s character than controlling one’s wife. The man who is more concerned with how his wife should obey him than with how he should obey God fails the kindergarten of biblical headship.”

James Dobson-“A Christian man is obligated to lead his family to the best of his ability…If his family has purchased too many items on credit, then the financial crunch is ultimately his fault. If the family never reads the Bible or seldom goes to church on Sunday, God holds the man to blame. If the children are disrespectful and disobedient, the primary responsibility lies with the father…not his wife…In my view, America’s greatest need is for husbands to begin guiding their families, rather than pouring every physical and emotional resource into the mere acquisition of money.”

Materials For Women

Nancy De Moss-“We simply can’t have our cake and eat it, too. We can’t insist on running the show and then expect men to be proactive, take initiative, and be ‘spiritual leaders’…You must be willing to let him fail-believing that ultimately, your security is not in your husband but in a sovereign God who is not going to fail you.”

How To Show Respect To Your Husband from Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, “For Women Only”

1. Why is respect and affirmation so important to a man? Mrs. Feldman writes, “Finally, the lightbulb came on: If a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved. And what that translates to is this: If you want to love your man in the way he needs to be loved, then you need to ensure that he feels your respect most of all.” A marriage counselor said to her, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.” Why is this the case?

A. Insecurity

B. Difficulty with openness (“The only time a guy’s guard is completely down is with the woman he loves. So she can pierce his heart like no one else can.”)

2. Affirmation

A. Verbally (example of Proverbs 7)

B. Sexually. She writes, “For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable, salves a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence. And, of course, sex also makes him feel loved. At the most basic level, your man wants to be wanted.”

C. In difficult times

3. Respect

A. His judgment

B. His abilities

C. In communication

D. In public

E. In assumptions (give the benefit of the doubt)

Questions And Answers

These are the questions that were submitted yesterday with my attempts at answering them. They are good and practical questions. My answers aren’t the final answers but hopefully give some guidance.

1. What do wives do if husbands won’t or don’t lead? This is a question that is difficult to answer in a vacuum without knowing the specifics of a given situation, but this is what I would say generally about it. First of all, remember that submission is an attitude that expresses itself in action. If your attitude and desire is to submit, you are in the right place. If he is not leading, you are not working against his leadership. I would encourage you to pray for him, encourage him, and show him unconditional love. I would encourage you to try to avoid filling his role as much as possible and leave a hole with the hope of him stepping it to fill it instead of you making it easy for him. However, if it is harming your children in some way, I think at that point you have to do what is needed for them even if it means taking some responsibility that should belong to him. For example, if a man who professes to be a Christian is not giving his children any spiritual training, at some point, I think a mother should step up and fill that gap to some degree.

2. How do wives help husbands want to lead and become Christ-like in nature and mind?

Pray for him and expect God to develop him into this kind of man. Encourage him. Let him know that you believe in him. Affirm the progress you see in him. Be willing to give up some time for him to spend in pursuing God and doing ministry. Unless it is excessively out of balance, encourage him in spending his time in this way. Realize you will have to make some sacrifices too for him to become everything the Lord wants him to be. Be willing to obey and follow the Lord’s leading together with him. In other words, don’t encourage this in him until it starts to make you uncomfortable or require some sacrifices from you. Sometimes a wife’s vision of what this should look like can end up being different than God’s vision. Resist the trap of comparing him to other men or comparing your relationship to other relationships.

3. How do wives become submissive when they have been independent prior to married status? Marrying a man that you trust and are confident in his leadership is helpful. However, submission is ultimately to the Lord so see this as an act of obedience to God first and foremost and seek Him for the grace, strength, and wisdom to be able to follow your husband’s leadership.